Well, it has been some time since I have last created a post. Thought I would just update.
The week of Mother's Day I thought long and hard about what this Mother's Day meant and what I should do. Do I send her a card? A gift? Nothing? I looked long and hard at cards. I thought if I could find the right card I would send one. I searched card after card and fnally I found the one I was going to send. It was generic but caring. Most cards are about how you raised me and things like that and that would not be appropriate. I didn't know what my brothers did for Mother's Day and so I wasn't sure if she was use to expecting any cards or anything. I just knew I needed to do this after so many missed years.
So, now what do I write in it? I have never had to think so long and hard about what to write ever! I basically said to her that I am so glad we have the opportunity to know each other and a few other things. I ended it with I have always thought about you every Mother's Day and wished her a wonderful day.
On Mother's Day Sunday I decided I should call her and just wish her a happy day and make sure she got the card. It was a pleasant convorsation and she let me know she got the card and thought it was lovely. She did something a little unexpected after a bit. She yelled out to my bdad and asked if he wanted to talk to me. He was cleaning out the camper and said no. I thought it was just because he was busy so I thought nothing of it. He came insode where she was and she again asked him if he wanted to talk. He was hesitant and that is when I realized that maybe he didn't want to know me. But, then she said he would like to talk to me. So I waited anxiously for the exchange of the phone. What do I say to him? What will he say to me? What will he sound like?
He got on the phone and said hello. It was a pleasant voice. One I thought might be a little deeper. We talked about a few things and after abit I realized now where I get my nervous chuckle from. BOTH of my bparents! They both laugh a lot when they talk and my bdad in particular, I think because of his nervousness. We did talke about the day they received the letter I sent them and he was the one who got to the letter first. He called my bmom at work and told her that they just got a letter from their daughter. It felt weird hearing him say that. Truely, I am their daughter but it was just a new feeling. He even talked a little about how it was a hard thing for them to do and that he wasn't sure about how to feel wen I contacted but then he saw how happy my bmom was and I think it changed how he felt about it. He said how having three boys has really made them long for a daughter and then I sent them a letter. I think it was as good for them that I contacted as it was for me.
I did send them a letter a while back, before I called them even, and have not gotten anything back yet. It was the one I decided to mention something about meeting them. I think they will be willing to meet at some point but I am not all the ready quite yet. We will see what happens with that in the future.
That is all that has been happening so far and I will surely be back to blog more about what goes on with my story.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I Was So Young....She was So Young
I was a young mother. My mother was a young mother. We chose two very different paths to a very similar story.
My birth mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me in 1977. It was a time when closed adoptions were common and not many young mothers kept their children. There are a variety of reasons why they gave up their babies to adoption, coercion, pressure, lack of support and resources.
During the time my mother was pregnant with me her mother divorced her dad and moved out of the state. If ever my mother thought that she migt be able to keep me with the support of her parents that option no longer existed for the young expectant mother. My father, who was considerably older than my mother, was working construction and in this area of the counrty is pretty seasonable, so to be able to support a child and mother was not a likely scenario. Since her mother had left them my mother and her sisters were left to help raise each other and take care of the farm. What choice was my mother left with to be able to raise me?
She made a difficult decision...one that inadvertintly was not really a decision at all. Choice was not much of a luxury. She gave me up to adoption.
My story was much the same but completely different. I was 18 when I got pregnant, a senior in high school. I was making plans for after graduation. Who I was going to room with at college, what was my major going to be, oh the plans we made! The day I found out I was pregnant was on my then boyfriend's birthday, March 28 1996. That was also the day I told him. It was the day he turned 15, yes your eyes saw it right....15! I cried and cried and cried, wondering how I was going to tell my adoptive parents. I screwed up! After the shock of it all wore off and my parents knew I started thinking about what I was going to do. The options were all thrown out there....abortion (which I believe a woman should be able to choose but I would never chose it), adoption, or keep the baby. I just knew I could not give the baby up and I felt I had the necessary support to keep the baby, something my mother did not have. I decided to keep her. Although back then the baby's dad being 15 was a big deal today we are still together and married and have another child.
I tell this story for a couple reasons. First, when I was pregnant and even to this day I felt like my mother was trying to give me an opportunity and by getting pregnant I still to this day felt like I let her down. Repeating her story somewhat but choosing a different path. It is hard to get past that feeling some days. I love my children and I don't regret them but sometimes I feel like I have done all the wrong things with opportunities given to me.
The other reason I tell this story is because I have struggled to figure out how to tell my birth mother the story. I do not want to make her feel worse about the choice (or lack of choice) she made when I was born by saying, "look, I was in a similar situation and I kept my baby" because that is not it at all. I just want her to see I have a wonderful family even though we went about things a bit backwards. I am proud of my kids and what their dad and I have accomplished during a time that was incredibly challenging but I don't want it to feel like I am rubbing it in her face.
It is so strange how alike my birth mother and I are. Our lives have sort of parelleled each others in all the years of not knowing each other.
I leave this post with this quote:
My birth mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me in 1977. It was a time when closed adoptions were common and not many young mothers kept their children. There are a variety of reasons why they gave up their babies to adoption, coercion, pressure, lack of support and resources.
During the time my mother was pregnant with me her mother divorced her dad and moved out of the state. If ever my mother thought that she migt be able to keep me with the support of her parents that option no longer existed for the young expectant mother. My father, who was considerably older than my mother, was working construction and in this area of the counrty is pretty seasonable, so to be able to support a child and mother was not a likely scenario. Since her mother had left them my mother and her sisters were left to help raise each other and take care of the farm. What choice was my mother left with to be able to raise me?
She made a difficult decision...one that inadvertintly was not really a decision at all. Choice was not much of a luxury. She gave me up to adoption.
My story was much the same but completely different. I was 18 when I got pregnant, a senior in high school. I was making plans for after graduation. Who I was going to room with at college, what was my major going to be, oh the plans we made! The day I found out I was pregnant was on my then boyfriend's birthday, March 28 1996. That was also the day I told him. It was the day he turned 15, yes your eyes saw it right....15! I cried and cried and cried, wondering how I was going to tell my adoptive parents. I screwed up! After the shock of it all wore off and my parents knew I started thinking about what I was going to do. The options were all thrown out there....abortion (which I believe a woman should be able to choose but I would never chose it), adoption, or keep the baby. I just knew I could not give the baby up and I felt I had the necessary support to keep the baby, something my mother did not have. I decided to keep her. Although back then the baby's dad being 15 was a big deal today we are still together and married and have another child.
I tell this story for a couple reasons. First, when I was pregnant and even to this day I felt like my mother was trying to give me an opportunity and by getting pregnant I still to this day felt like I let her down. Repeating her story somewhat but choosing a different path. It is hard to get past that feeling some days. I love my children and I don't regret them but sometimes I feel like I have done all the wrong things with opportunities given to me.
The other reason I tell this story is because I have struggled to figure out how to tell my birth mother the story. I do not want to make her feel worse about the choice (or lack of choice) she made when I was born by saying, "look, I was in a similar situation and I kept my baby" because that is not it at all. I just want her to see I have a wonderful family even though we went about things a bit backwards. I am proud of my kids and what their dad and I have accomplished during a time that was incredibly challenging but I don't want it to feel like I am rubbing it in her face.
It is so strange how alike my birth mother and I are. Our lives have sort of parelleled each others in all the years of not knowing each other.
I leave this post with this quote:
Monday, April 16, 2012
The Phone Call...
So, I decided on April 7, 2012 that it was indeed time to make a call to my birth mom. After almost two months of writing I felt that it was probably time, even though the thought of making the call made my knees tremble.
I remember I stood there with my phone in my hand looking at her name and number, wanting to push that send button for what seemed like days. I actually thought about calling the previous weekend but chickened out big time. I stood there thinking...what if she doesn't answer....ugh! What if she DOES answer? It was terrifying for some reason. I don't know why it was so hard to do. Maybe it was my total shyness showing. Maybe it was fear I didn't understand. But finally after about fifteen minutes of standing there I pushed the send button. It rang once, twice, and a third time. In fact, it kept ringing as I realized no one was home to answer it. I was hoping there would be an answering machine so I could leave a message and put myself at ease a little bit about having to make that call again but it just rang and rang. I hung up the phone and thought I would try later.
Later I was on Facebook and messaged my brothers a happy Easter. My youngest brother R wrote back to me and so we chatted back and forth for a bit. I told him I tried calling mom and didn't get an answer. He said he had tried a couple times too as it was more difficult for him since he is stationed in South Korea. Conversation fizzled and I logged off. Later that night I jumped back on and noticed I had a message from him. He said he gt a hold of mom and that she would be home tomorrow after 2:30. My first thought was that is great. My second thought was, oh geez, I am going to HAVE to call her tomorrow because I am quite positive he said something to her about me calling. I guess I would just consider that a good motivator!
Easter Sunday was filled with church and dinner with my adoptive family. We had a wonderful time as my nephew surprised my mom and dad by showing up to dinner. He was suppose to be in Arizona (we live in South Dakota) living and decided to move back for a while. My dad looked twice as he walked in and my mom's jaw about hit the floor. It was a wonderful surprise. As the festivities wound down it was time to go home and finish some household stuff and, yes, call my birth mother. We got home and I did a few things and then retreated to the bedroom for some privacy. I stood there again for a few minutes and just told myself to push the button, it is no big deal (even though it was a huge deal!). So, I pushed it and it rang just twice and was picked up by a woman. Someone whom I had longed to hear for so long. I told her who I was and immediately she said, "I was wondering when you were going to call", so I knew she was expecting it. We talked for an hour about anything and everything.
We talked like we had known each other forever and the conversation was effortless. I asked about my heritage as I had always thought I was Irish, German and Bohemian. She kind of sounded surprised to hear that and said no we are English and either she said Dutch or Danish ( I was in such a crazy state at that time I wasn't storing everything she said!). I told her that is what my adoption records said. It created a kind of struggle for me hearing that. The wrong information given not only to me but my adoptive family. It was just something that really bothered me but I just pushed it aside for the time being and enjoyed our conversation. She told me a story about our ancestors which was so cool to hear. She told me that she had told her aunt that I contacted her and her aunt got quite emotional. She said since her mom wasn't there for her during her pregnancy with me (she divorced my birth mom's dad and moved to Arizona) her aunt was there for her. She was there at the hospital when I was born. She asked to hold me before the nurses took me away. She told my birth mom that she would really like to meet me. I thought that was so touching and heart warming. It brought tears to my eyes. I am hoping to meet any and all of my birth family one day. We haven't discussed a meeting but hopefully it won't be too far in the future.
As we hung up the phone I was left with a feeling of relief, wholeness, and excitement. It was a wonderful end to a great weekend. This is where my story picks up to real time. I am in the process of finding pictures of when I was younger to send and to ask again what my background is, since I didn't pay enough attention when she said it the first time. I think my next posts will be to go in a little deeper to the experiences I have had.
Until we meet again....
I remember I stood there with my phone in my hand looking at her name and number, wanting to push that send button for what seemed like days. I actually thought about calling the previous weekend but chickened out big time. I stood there thinking...what if she doesn't answer....ugh! What if she DOES answer? It was terrifying for some reason. I don't know why it was so hard to do. Maybe it was my total shyness showing. Maybe it was fear I didn't understand. But finally after about fifteen minutes of standing there I pushed the send button. It rang once, twice, and a third time. In fact, it kept ringing as I realized no one was home to answer it. I was hoping there would be an answering machine so I could leave a message and put myself at ease a little bit about having to make that call again but it just rang and rang. I hung up the phone and thought I would try later.
Later I was on Facebook and messaged my brothers a happy Easter. My youngest brother R wrote back to me and so we chatted back and forth for a bit. I told him I tried calling mom and didn't get an answer. He said he had tried a couple times too as it was more difficult for him since he is stationed in South Korea. Conversation fizzled and I logged off. Later that night I jumped back on and noticed I had a message from him. He said he gt a hold of mom and that she would be home tomorrow after 2:30. My first thought was that is great. My second thought was, oh geez, I am going to HAVE to call her tomorrow because I am quite positive he said something to her about me calling. I guess I would just consider that a good motivator!
Easter Sunday was filled with church and dinner with my adoptive family. We had a wonderful time as my nephew surprised my mom and dad by showing up to dinner. He was suppose to be in Arizona (we live in South Dakota) living and decided to move back for a while. My dad looked twice as he walked in and my mom's jaw about hit the floor. It was a wonderful surprise. As the festivities wound down it was time to go home and finish some household stuff and, yes, call my birth mother. We got home and I did a few things and then retreated to the bedroom for some privacy. I stood there again for a few minutes and just told myself to push the button, it is no big deal (even though it was a huge deal!). So, I pushed it and it rang just twice and was picked up by a woman. Someone whom I had longed to hear for so long. I told her who I was and immediately she said, "I was wondering when you were going to call", so I knew she was expecting it. We talked for an hour about anything and everything.
We talked like we had known each other forever and the conversation was effortless. I asked about my heritage as I had always thought I was Irish, German and Bohemian. She kind of sounded surprised to hear that and said no we are English and either she said Dutch or Danish ( I was in such a crazy state at that time I wasn't storing everything she said!). I told her that is what my adoption records said. It created a kind of struggle for me hearing that. The wrong information given not only to me but my adoptive family. It was just something that really bothered me but I just pushed it aside for the time being and enjoyed our conversation. She told me a story about our ancestors which was so cool to hear. She told me that she had told her aunt that I contacted her and her aunt got quite emotional. She said since her mom wasn't there for her during her pregnancy with me (she divorced my birth mom's dad and moved to Arizona) her aunt was there for her. She was there at the hospital when I was born. She asked to hold me before the nurses took me away. She told my birth mom that she would really like to meet me. I thought that was so touching and heart warming. It brought tears to my eyes. I am hoping to meet any and all of my birth family one day. We haven't discussed a meeting but hopefully it won't be too far in the future.
As we hung up the phone I was left with a feeling of relief, wholeness, and excitement. It was a wonderful end to a great weekend. This is where my story picks up to real time. I am in the process of finding pictures of when I was younger to send and to ask again what my background is, since I didn't pay enough attention when she said it the first time. I think my next posts will be to go in a little deeper to the experiences I have had.
Until we meet again....
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Will I Get a Return Letter?
I sent my letter Thursday, February 16, 2012 and on Wednesday, February 22, 2012 I came home for lunch and by then the mail the had already come. My husband pulled the mail out of the box and held a letter in the air and told me I got a letter from S. I distinctly remember saying, "What the ****?!".
I thought for sure it would be a couple weeks probably before I may even hear anything not less than a week! I was almost afraid to open it terrified of what it might say. I just was in awe that I had received a letter so quickly. I thought it was probably a good sign it came back to quickly (maybe it was more about wishful thinking).
I sat down and carefully yet excitedly opened the letter I had longed to receive for so long. The first thing I read was, we stunned to hear from you and it has taken some time to process this. I thought to myself, "it sure didn't take you very long to process". Is that a good sign or not?! The next thing she did was try to explain why I was given up for adoption. I actually already knew because it gave me the reasons in my adoption papers but it was nice to hear it from her. It was a pretty generic letter but was so very accepting of me contacting them. At the very end of the letter she wrote their home phone number and said I could call. I knew I was not ready for that but thought it was a wonderful feeling knowing that they were open to that and it seemed like she wanted to know me as much as I wanted to know them. I read that letter over and over again and it stayed with me at all times.
Since then we have written back and forth several times. She told me they have 3 sons and told me their names. Of course, because I was a nosy stalker I already knew this and had found them all on Facebook. But now that she had told me about them I wanted to connect with them as well. So, in one of the letters I asked if the boys knew about me. Well, as I suspected they did not know. She said it was just too painful to tell them and really I get that. The thing that told me exactly what kind of people my birth parents are is that once she got that letter from me asking this she immediately told all three of the boys. I think that took amazing courage, love and respect after all those years to tell them straight away. I was so excited to know they now knew and I could try to connect with them even if it is just over Facebook.
I requested an add from all three of them and one by one all three of them accepted. Once they accepted I introduced myself and hoped they would introduce themselves back. It took some time but I have talked on FB to each of them and now am getting to know them better. It was wild one night I talked to my oldest brother (still getting use to saying that!) for like two hours! It means so much to me to be able to know them all. They are such wonderful people and I feel blessed to have not only a wonderful adoptive family but an equally wonderful birth family.
The next challenge I face was the phone call....
I thought for sure it would be a couple weeks probably before I may even hear anything not less than a week! I was almost afraid to open it terrified of what it might say. I just was in awe that I had received a letter so quickly. I thought it was probably a good sign it came back to quickly (maybe it was more about wishful thinking).
I sat down and carefully yet excitedly opened the letter I had longed to receive for so long. The first thing I read was, we stunned to hear from you and it has taken some time to process this. I thought to myself, "it sure didn't take you very long to process". Is that a good sign or not?! The next thing she did was try to explain why I was given up for adoption. I actually already knew because it gave me the reasons in my adoption papers but it was nice to hear it from her. It was a pretty generic letter but was so very accepting of me contacting them. At the very end of the letter she wrote their home phone number and said I could call. I knew I was not ready for that but thought it was a wonderful feeling knowing that they were open to that and it seemed like she wanted to know me as much as I wanted to know them. I read that letter over and over again and it stayed with me at all times.
Since then we have written back and forth several times. She told me they have 3 sons and told me their names. Of course, because I was a nosy stalker I already knew this and had found them all on Facebook. But now that she had told me about them I wanted to connect with them as well. So, in one of the letters I asked if the boys knew about me. Well, as I suspected they did not know. She said it was just too painful to tell them and really I get that. The thing that told me exactly what kind of people my birth parents are is that once she got that letter from me asking this she immediately told all three of the boys. I think that took amazing courage, love and respect after all those years to tell them straight away. I was so excited to know they now knew and I could try to connect with them even if it is just over Facebook.
I requested an add from all three of them and one by one all three of them accepted. Once they accepted I introduced myself and hoped they would introduce themselves back. It took some time but I have talked on FB to each of them and now am getting to know them better. It was wild one night I talked to my oldest brother (still getting use to saying that!) for like two hours! It means so much to me to be able to know them all. They are such wonderful people and I feel blessed to have not only a wonderful adoptive family but an equally wonderful birth family.
The next challenge I face was the phone call....
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Letter...
There is nothing worse than staring at a blank piece of paper waiting for the pen to move. Almost like it is a magic pen in a fairytale just waiting to ooze words from the tip of the pen. Waiting for my story to be told.
Well, it was not a magic pen and wrote nothing for what felt like weeks. How in the world do you start a letter like this? Do you just come out and say it? I'm the daughter you gave away 34 years ago. Do you ease into it? Hi, I am so and so and I think that I was born on this date and yadda yadda yadda. I mean is there really a right way to say it? I looked at that page forever before I started writing. Finally I wrote the first words.....Dear S and D,. Yeah that is what I wrote....profound right?! Believe it or not that was as far as I got for quite some time. I started with Hi, I started with I am your daughter, I started with all kinds of beginnings. None of them sounded right. They just lacked what I wanted to say and feel. It is so frustrating trying to find the right words that don't want to find you! I found my self just writing...I mean this is just a draft anyway. I would write and then scratch it out and then write and crumple up the paper and throw it away. It was a start.
I finally realized as I wrote there just wasn't a right way to say what I had to say and thought I better keep the letter generic in case a. They weren't who I was looking for (although I knew they were) or b. They didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was self preservation and really considering them. Maybe they didn't want to know anything about me or maybe they do and then I will share plenty.
Once I started writing I could have written pages and pages but I had to remember.....generic. Here is the letter I wrote:
Once I got it written I folded it neatly and put it in an envelope. Attached a stamp and all the information needed to get it there. I, believe it or not, help on to that letter for months. I thought, do I really want to send this? I can not get it back and once it is in that box there is no getting it out. Finally, February 23, 2012 I stood in front of the mailbox for probably five minutes just looking at it tapping the letter on the counter. It was like my nemesis and we were having a stare down. Finally I dropped in the box. Immediately I felt a rush of anxiety go through me but then almost a relief. It was done and now it is a waiting game.
Well, it was not a magic pen and wrote nothing for what felt like weeks. How in the world do you start a letter like this? Do you just come out and say it? I'm the daughter you gave away 34 years ago. Do you ease into it? Hi, I am so and so and I think that I was born on this date and yadda yadda yadda. I mean is there really a right way to say it? I looked at that page forever before I started writing. Finally I wrote the first words.....Dear S and D,. Yeah that is what I wrote....profound right?! Believe it or not that was as far as I got for quite some time. I started with Hi, I started with I am your daughter, I started with all kinds of beginnings. None of them sounded right. They just lacked what I wanted to say and feel. It is so frustrating trying to find the right words that don't want to find you! I found my self just writing...I mean this is just a draft anyway. I would write and then scratch it out and then write and crumple up the paper and throw it away. It was a start.
I finally realized as I wrote there just wasn't a right way to say what I had to say and thought I better keep the letter generic in case a. They weren't who I was looking for (although I knew they were) or b. They didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was self preservation and really considering them. Maybe they didn't want to know anything about me or maybe they do and then I will share plenty.
Once I started writing I could have written pages and pages but I had to remember.....generic. Here is the letter I wrote:
Dear D & S,
I have written this letter over and over and revised what I have written again and again. How do I write this just the right way? Is there a right way? I came to the conclusion that the best thing I can do is just come out and say it. I am your daughter. I am sure you are wondering why I have reached out now. What do I want? Why? Honestly, the answer to that I suspect is very complicated. But I will try to explain the best I can.
I have always felt a part of my adoptive family and strangely enough like I was meant to be there but there was also this other part of me that seemed incomplete. There was something missing. What was it? Why did I feel like this? One day I realized that what I am missing is knowing about you. So, why now? Well, why not? 34 years is long enough to wonder and fantasize. I am getting older and may need to know some medical background. I would like to think that is the only reason but it is not. I would like to know who you are and in turn who I am. There are so many things I would like to tell you about me and so many things I would like to know about you both.
I know this is a very sensitive and difficult situation for you as well. I am truly hopeful that you will feel the same way as I do but I am prepared for the possibility that you may not or that you may need time to process all of this. I hope I am not coming off pushy or threatening because that is the last thing I would ever want to do.
I am going to give you my email and physical address so if you choose to respond you can use either. My email is _______________________ and address is __________________. I hope to hear from you soon.
So, there it was. The letter that changed my life forever. The letter that was my opportunity for some self realization about who I am. Once I got it written I folded it neatly and put it in an envelope. Attached a stamp and all the information needed to get it there. I, believe it or not, help on to that letter for months. I thought, do I really want to send this? I can not get it back and once it is in that box there is no getting it out. Finally, February 23, 2012 I stood in front of the mailbox for probably five minutes just looking at it tapping the letter on the counter. It was like my nemesis and we were having a stare down. Finally I dropped in the box. Immediately I felt a rush of anxiety go through me but then almost a relief. It was done and now it is a waiting game.
The Online Search....
I decided with the new information I had gathered about my birth parents I was going to do the online search thing.
I started out with just a general search in google. I put in my birth mother's name and there was nothing. I thought to myself, how can this be??? Nothing?? So, I put in my birth father's name and hit search. There were several pages that came up for his name and one caught my eye. It was a business based out of the town I was born in. I decided to check it out and clicked on it. I was a bit nervous to be honest to find out any information. When it pulled up it was a page with their employee's picture and some information about them. I scrolled down looking for his name and face and there it was. He was right in front of my face! When I first looked at him my thoughts immediately went to, 'Man, this looks like my adoptive grandfather'. It was strange. I read the information and it said he was married to S and had 3 boys and listed their names. I thought to myself, what are the chances that he married someone with the same first name as my birth mother? Then I thought, what if he married my birth mother? It would be totally crazy if they ended up marrying. Okay, so there are three boys. It was time to look them up and see if they were on Facebook. What would we do without Facebook? I looked each name up and found all three of them. As I looked at them I felt a sense of familiarity. The middle one I thought I looked a lot like and realized this must be them.
I took my search to Ancestory.com and maybe I should have waited until I knew who I was really looking for but found a little more information on them. I didn't know what grandparents to search for so it made it a bit difficult to search. I stated in a previous post that in my Social Service records there was a page with my parents wedding announcement. I actually didn't get that file until after I started searching online which led me to wonder if they had married or not.
For months I "stalked" the boys' pages and would look at their pictures and see if any of their friends were my relatives. I felt a bit creepy to be honest! It was just that they were people that shared the same biological history with me. It is a strange feeling to have. I love my adoptive family. They are my family but then you think about how there use to be this other family and there still is this other family out there. It just makes your mind crazy sometimes. I did this "stalking" thing for months until I decided it was time to write a letter.
I started out with just a general search in google. I put in my birth mother's name and there was nothing. I thought to myself, how can this be??? Nothing?? So, I put in my birth father's name and hit search. There were several pages that came up for his name and one caught my eye. It was a business based out of the town I was born in. I decided to check it out and clicked on it. I was a bit nervous to be honest to find out any information. When it pulled up it was a page with their employee's picture and some information about them. I scrolled down looking for his name and face and there it was. He was right in front of my face! When I first looked at him my thoughts immediately went to, 'Man, this looks like my adoptive grandfather'. It was strange. I read the information and it said he was married to S and had 3 boys and listed their names. I thought to myself, what are the chances that he married someone with the same first name as my birth mother? Then I thought, what if he married my birth mother? It would be totally crazy if they ended up marrying. Okay, so there are three boys. It was time to look them up and see if they were on Facebook. What would we do without Facebook? I looked each name up and found all three of them. As I looked at them I felt a sense of familiarity. The middle one I thought I looked a lot like and realized this must be them.
I took my search to Ancestory.com and maybe I should have waited until I knew who I was really looking for but found a little more information on them. I didn't know what grandparents to search for so it made it a bit difficult to search. I stated in a previous post that in my Social Service records there was a page with my parents wedding announcement. I actually didn't get that file until after I started searching online which led me to wonder if they had married or not.
For months I "stalked" the boys' pages and would look at their pictures and see if any of their friends were my relatives. I felt a bit creepy to be honest! It was just that they were people that shared the same biological history with me. It is a strange feeling to have. I love my adoptive family. They are my family but then you think about how there use to be this other family and there still is this other family out there. It just makes your mind crazy sometimes. I did this "stalking" thing for months until I decided it was time to write a letter.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
After the decision...
So, the decision had been made, I was going to start my search. I had no idea where to start. I talked to my mom and asked her who they went through for the adoption. She told me social services. I was a bit relieved to know that because I have heard many stories of christian agencies that were used and the adoptee can not retrieve their information.
I called the local social services here in town and thought I would start there and they should be able to tell me what steps I need to take to get the information I am looking for. She was very nice and very helpful. She told me I needed to petition the court to have my records opened. She gave contact information to the state capital and the division I needed to contact for those papers. I contacted them and they said they would send me the papers I needed.
It seemed like forever to get here and when they finally did I filled them out and took them to the courthouse. Once I took them there they said they would call me when the judge had signed them. It felt like a couple days was a week! I finally got the call and headed back to the courthouse. I could make copies of whatever papers I wanted out of there. So I found some names and papers I wanted and made copies. I scoured over the pages. Looking for the names of the people who made me. There they were.....right in front of me. I had this feeling of being overwhelmed but excited. I looked over the pages and was searching for medical history. There was nothing there. Then I decided I will need to open my adoption records through Social Services. Again, it felt like a lifetime to get the papers.
The day they came I was almost afraid to open them. I kind of just sat there looking at it, almost waiting for the package to talk to me and say it was okay to open them. Finally, I opened the package. There was a huge pile of papers to look through. Now, even though I was looking through for birth parent information I saw that they had the questionnaire form my adoptive parents filled out. This was so cool to see. Again, I searched for any medical information and found only what we already knew about a grandmothers sister having diabetes. I thought this can't be it and by now there has to be more information. So, I went to look at the other papers and again there were their names, but there was also the name I was given when I was born....Gayli Jo. Now, I have told my adoptive mother that I was pretty glad they had changed it because I can imagine the names I would have been called. I probably would have just gone by Jo or something. But seeing the other name really brought out this feeling in me. I felt like I had two identities, I like to call it dual identities. I was one person when I was born and now like a spy I am someone else. It really created this struggle inside of me. I still to this day struggle a bit with it.
I searched through the rest of the papers and as I got further in I noticed a page that said please put this in the child's file. I went to the next page and saw a copy (a horrible copy I might add) of my birth parents marriage. Yes, they got married. Now some days I think this is awesome and every now and then I feel like I was the odd man out so to speak. The only one who got 'left behind'. It is a hard feeling to have but ultimately I am happy they are married.
And here is where the online search begins...
I called the local social services here in town and thought I would start there and they should be able to tell me what steps I need to take to get the information I am looking for. She was very nice and very helpful. She told me I needed to petition the court to have my records opened. She gave contact information to the state capital and the division I needed to contact for those papers. I contacted them and they said they would send me the papers I needed.
It seemed like forever to get here and when they finally did I filled them out and took them to the courthouse. Once I took them there they said they would call me when the judge had signed them. It felt like a couple days was a week! I finally got the call and headed back to the courthouse. I could make copies of whatever papers I wanted out of there. So I found some names and papers I wanted and made copies. I scoured over the pages. Looking for the names of the people who made me. There they were.....right in front of me. I had this feeling of being overwhelmed but excited. I looked over the pages and was searching for medical history. There was nothing there. Then I decided I will need to open my adoption records through Social Services. Again, it felt like a lifetime to get the papers.
The day they came I was almost afraid to open them. I kind of just sat there looking at it, almost waiting for the package to talk to me and say it was okay to open them. Finally, I opened the package. There was a huge pile of papers to look through. Now, even though I was looking through for birth parent information I saw that they had the questionnaire form my adoptive parents filled out. This was so cool to see. Again, I searched for any medical information and found only what we already knew about a grandmothers sister having diabetes. I thought this can't be it and by now there has to be more information. So, I went to look at the other papers and again there were their names, but there was also the name I was given when I was born....Gayli Jo. Now, I have told my adoptive mother that I was pretty glad they had changed it because I can imagine the names I would have been called. I probably would have just gone by Jo or something. But seeing the other name really brought out this feeling in me. I felt like I had two identities, I like to call it dual identities. I was one person when I was born and now like a spy I am someone else. It really created this struggle inside of me. I still to this day struggle a bit with it.
I searched through the rest of the papers and as I got further in I noticed a page that said please put this in the child's file. I went to the next page and saw a copy (a horrible copy I might add) of my birth parents marriage. Yes, they got married. Now some days I think this is awesome and every now and then I feel like I was the odd man out so to speak. The only one who got 'left behind'. It is a hard feeling to have but ultimately I am happy they are married.
And here is where the online search begins...
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