Well, it was not a magic pen and wrote nothing for what felt like weeks. How in the world do you start a letter like this? Do you just come out and say it? I'm the daughter you gave away 34 years ago. Do you ease into it? Hi, I am so and so and I think that I was born on this date and yadda yadda yadda. I mean is there really a right way to say it? I looked at that page forever before I started writing. Finally I wrote the first words.....Dear S and D,. Yeah that is what I wrote....profound right?! Believe it or not that was as far as I got for quite some time. I started with Hi, I started with I am your daughter, I started with all kinds of beginnings. None of them sounded right. They just lacked what I wanted to say and feel. It is so frustrating trying to find the right words that don't want to find you! I found my self just writing...I mean this is just a draft anyway. I would write and then scratch it out and then write and crumple up the paper and throw it away. It was a start.
I finally realized as I wrote there just wasn't a right way to say what I had to say and thought I better keep the letter generic in case a. They weren't who I was looking for (although I knew they were) or b. They didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was self preservation and really considering them. Maybe they didn't want to know anything about me or maybe they do and then I will share plenty.
Once I started writing I could have written pages and pages but I had to remember.....generic. Here is the letter I wrote:
Dear D & S,
I have written this letter over and over and revised what I have written again and again. How do I write this just the right way? Is there a right way? I came to the conclusion that the best thing I can do is just come out and say it. I am your daughter. I am sure you are wondering why I have reached out now. What do I want? Why? Honestly, the answer to that I suspect is very complicated. But I will try to explain the best I can.
I have always felt a part of my adoptive family and strangely enough like I was meant to be there but there was also this other part of me that seemed incomplete. There was something missing. What was it? Why did I feel like this? One day I realized that what I am missing is knowing about you. So, why now? Well, why not? 34 years is long enough to wonder and fantasize. I am getting older and may need to know some medical background. I would like to think that is the only reason but it is not. I would like to know who you are and in turn who I am. There are so many things I would like to tell you about me and so many things I would like to know about you both.
I know this is a very sensitive and difficult situation for you as well. I am truly hopeful that you will feel the same way as I do but I am prepared for the possibility that you may not or that you may need time to process all of this. I hope I am not coming off pushy or threatening because that is the last thing I would ever want to do.
I am going to give you my email and physical address so if you choose to respond you can use either. My email is _______________________ and address is __________________. I hope to hear from you soon.
So, there it was. The letter that changed my life forever. The letter that was my opportunity for some self realization about who I am. Once I got it written I folded it neatly and put it in an envelope. Attached a stamp and all the information needed to get it there. I, believe it or not, help on to that letter for months. I thought, do I really want to send this? I can not get it back and once it is in that box there is no getting it out. Finally, February 23, 2012 I stood in front of the mailbox for probably five minutes just looking at it tapping the letter on the counter. It was like my nemesis and we were having a stare down. Finally I dropped in the box. Immediately I felt a rush of anxiety go through me but then almost a relief. It was done and now it is a waiting game.
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